Depression

I have suffered depression for most of my life.  I was depressed even before I knew what depression was.  I'm better now.  I'm on some medication which helps.  This is a tough time of year for people who suffer from depression.  The winter is gray and cold and you can go days without seeing any sunlight.  You know what I'm talking about if you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  The end of the holiday season can cause a letdown.   Sometimes I feel deflated.  Something that helps me when I am depressed is to thank God for what he has done for me.  This isn't easy when you are depressed, but if you can force yourself to mentally list all the blessings you have in your life, it can help ease the depression.  Another thing you can do is to praise God.  Not just praise him for what he has done for you, but praise him for who he is.  I find that if I can put my focus on God instead of myself, it will help my depression.  Listening to worshipful music helps to put your focus on God.  My favorite is Third Day.

God's Blessing

Last week, I was alone in my room praying and meditating.  All at once, I began to feel an incredible peace well up inside me.  I can’t describe what an incredible feeling it was.  All the fear and the pain of the past were gone and I was filled with peace and joy.  I felt as if God was in the room with me.  I was completely overwhelmed by the love of God.  All I could think was, “Why me?”  Why should the almighty God of the universe condescend to care about me?  I could almost hear him say to me, “Because I love you.  You are my son.” 

The next day when I looked back on this experience, I was tempted to think that God had blessed me because of my obedience.  I had been “good” that day and so God rewarded me.  After I thought about it awhile, I realized that was wrong.  There is nothing I can do to earn the favor of a perfectly holy and a perfectly righteous God.  Jesus led the perfect life and died for the sins of the world.  Do I presume that I could do anything that even remotely compares to that?  But because Jesus clothed me with his righteousness, I have become his brother and God’s son.  When God chooses to bless me as he did, it is out of his own goodness and mercy, not because of anything I have done.  God hands out his blessings according to his purpose which is far beyond my capability to comprehend.  I suspect there will be times in my life when I feel that I’m being faithful and yet there will be no blessing from God that I can see.  There will be times when I will feel that I am the lowest sinner and yet I will be surprised by blessings from Him.  I am convinced that there is nothing I can do to earn favor or blessings from God.  He gives them to me freely.    

Patience in Suffering

I was reading James 5: 7-12 – patience in suffering.  James was writing about people suffering under rich oppressors, but I think we can apply these verses to any suffering we go through.  In this life, we are going to go through periods of suffering of different kinds; some more severe than others.  Over the last year, I have personally gone through the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life.  Theologians with a lot more education and a lot more brains than me have been pondering for centuries the question of why God allows so much suffering  to occur and I am not about to try to solve that one here.  But I can comment on what I have experienced in my own life. 

In Genesis chapter 50, Joseph spoke these words:  “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”  Joseph experienced a horrible series of events in his life, but God turned it around to bring good, not only to Joseph, but to many other people.  Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and he ended up in Egypt.  I’m sure he had no idea what God had in store for him.  The situation probably seemed hopeless.  As things seemed to be getting better, Joseph as thrown in prison for a crime he did not commit.  It took years for Joseph to come through these trials and see God’s plan unfold.  Joseph had to be patient and trust in God. 

When I was in the midst of the worst of my pain, I could not conceive of any good that could possible come of it.  Looking back on it now almost a year later, I can see that it was the best thing that could have happened.  I am a different person now:  stronger, closer to God, more at peace.  God did not cause this pain I experienced, but he allowed it.  What others meant for evil, God turned around for my greater good.  It has been my experience that God rarely reveals his plan ahead of time.  He does not routinely grant me glimpses into the future to assure me that everything will turn out OK.  He gives me just enough light to show me the next step or two on the path that I should take.  When I am suffering, I have to turn the situation over to God and put it in His hands.  I have to be patient and trust Him for the outcome.  I may not see the way to go right now, but when it is time, God will reveal to me the path I need to take.       

Wandering in the Desert

Have you ever felt like you were lost – just moving forward with no direction?  Have you ever felt stuck – stuck in a job or a city or a relationship that you knew was not right for you but you just couldn’t seem to get out of it and move forward?  I have felt like this recently and it made me think of the story in the Bible of the Israelites wandering in the desert. 

God miraculously brought the Israelites out of Egypt.  They saw his power first hand as He brought Pharaoh to his knees with the ten plagues and provided for their escape with the parting of the Red Sea.  They personally witnessed miracle after miracle that lead to their deliverance, but when God lead them into the desert, all they could do was complain.  He supernaturally provided water from a stone and food fell from heaven every day, but all they could do was whine about how much better the food had been in Egypt.  I think this is why God had them wandering around for 40 years.  They had lessons to learn.  They had to grow and change before they could enter the Promised Land.  They had to learn to be thankful no matter what the circumstances before they could move on to better things.  They did not learn the lessons God was trying to teach them and so they could not move on.  If I remember the scripture correctly, none of the Israelites of that generation entered the Promised Land – their children inherited the land that God had promised.  God brought them right to the border of Canaan.  All they had to do was cross a river and they would finally have their dream.  But spies came back from scouting around Canaan and reported that there were giants in the land.  The Israelites became afraid and did not want to enter the land.  Because of their lack of faith; because of their inability to trust God, they never saw their dream realized.  It was given to their children instead. 

I think I have been wandering in the desert.  I want things to be different in my life, but so often all I do is complain.  I complain about my job.  My coworkers aren’t working hard enough.  Management is making bad decisions.  I don’t make enough money.  I would like to have a new job, but I don’t appreciate the job that God has already provided for me.  Maybe I haven’t learned the lessons I need to learn.  Sometimes I don’t give my best effort because I think the job is beneath me or because I think they don’t pay me enough.  Is this the right attitude to have?  Would I feel comfortable giving my child something of value if I see that he does not properly care for what I have already given him?  Should I expect God to give me something better if I am not grateful for what he has already provided?  If I am going to cross the river into something better that God has in store for me, I need to be thankful and be a good steward of what He has already provided. 

To be clear, I do not believe that God is punishing me for complaining or not being a good employee.  God loves me and I am his son.  He loves me even when I am negative and ungrateful.  But as a loving Father, he knows that it is important for me to stay in school until I have learned the lesson.  Once I have learned it, then perhaps I can graduate and move on to something more. 

Peace in the Midst of the Storm

My life has never been in more chaos than it is in this moment, and I have never been more at peace. I am a son of God and Jesus is my brother. The Holy Spirit is my strength. I am not a strong man; I am not a good man. But in my weakness, God reveals his strength. I rest in his peace knowing that I am held gently and permanently in the palm of his hand. Although the storm rages around me and the waves threaten to overwhelm, I can rest easy with the assurance that with one word, Jesus can calm the winds and still the seas. I have nothing to fear.

Is Change Possible?

I was looking over some of my journal entries from the last several years and there was one subject that I wrote about over and over again – change. Repeatedly, I asked myself this question: “Is real change possible? Can anyone significantly change and become a better person?”
There was no doubt in my mind that I needed to change. I suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. My career and my marriage were falling apart due to my mental state. Life had become too overwhelming and I withdrew into myself and tried to hide from the world. I was afraid – afraid of failing, but too afraid to try to succeed. I knew I needed to change and I tried to change in several ways. I went to my doctor and he put me on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. None of them worked. After several months of trying different drugs, my doctor told me that he had done everything he knew to do for me and sent me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tried drug after drug on me, but I still suffered from anxiety and debilitating depression. I started seeing a psychologist once a week. Talking about my problems made me feel better for a short time, but the comfort I got from those appointments didn’t last.
I read a pile of self help books. I read books from the human potential movement that teach that transformative power is within all of us and all we have to do is tap into it and we can fulfill all of our dreams. I was never able to tap into that power. I read books on Eastern philosophy and meditation that promised me peace of mind if I could connect to the universe. The meditation temporarily helped my anxiety, but once I had to face real life again, the anxiety always returned. I recited positive affirmations over and over in an attempt to train my mind to think positive thoughts and thereby transform my life. But the negative thoughts crept back in and the change didn’t come. I paid over $300 for an eight week course with CDs, DVDs and books that promised to cure my anxiety and depression. I never made it past week three.
As time passed, I began to believe that real change was not possible and that all the authors from the self help industry were all glorified snake oil salesmen. I had been brought to the point of giving up on being able to change and giving up on life. But over the last year, God taught me a very powerful lesson on change. This is a lesson I’m still learning, but here is what I have figured out so far.
One: There is no real change without the transformative power of Jesus Christ. Through human effort and determination, people can make some changes in their lives, but only real, meaningful, and lasting change can come from God. We simply do not have the power to change who we are at our core. God does.
Two: Change does not occur overnight. It takes time. There are stories from peoples’ lives being transformed almost instantly and God can bring immediate change if he chooses to do so. But this is not normative. For most of us, change is a long process that continues throughout our lifetimes. We will have some intense periods in our lives when change seems to occur more rapidly, but mostly it is a slow, incremental process.
Three: Most of the time, God uses pain to bring about change in our lives. This is not a pleasant fact, but I have found it to be true in my life. The more we need to change, the more pain we can expect to have to endure. While suffering pain is not something anyone wants to face, the alternative – to not change at all and to remain where we are spiritually and emotionally for the rest of our lives – is worse.
The reason we don’t change is that we cling to things in our lives that keep us stuck where we are. They might be people, habits, material belongings, etc. We believe that these things will bring us the peace and fulfillment that we long for, and so we hold on to them very tightly. God knows that for us to find true happiness and peace, we need to give up these false idols. And so He will, at times, rip these things out of our grasp. I believe that God tries to get us to release these things gently, at first. But if we are stubborn and refuse to listen to His guidance, He will take more drastic measures. This might manifest as the loss of a job or a loved one or another devastating major life event. This tearing away of what we cling to is a very painful process. But after some time has passed and we can look back with the clarity of hindsight, we realize that the painful event is the best thing that could have happened to us. It will have brought about the change that we so badly needed.
Self-help books have their place. There is some wisdom there that can help us in our lives. Meditation can be useful to reduce stress and promote relaxation. Affirmations can remind us to focus on the positive and positive thoughts are always better than negative ones. But these are just surface changes and without a personal connection with Jesus, they will not transform your life. Ask him to take part in your life. Invite him to make the changes that you need. Pray to the Father to rid your life of the idols that are holding you back and then hang on for the ride of your life.