I am so depressed

It's 5:00 a.m. and I am so depressed.  I am dreading going to work.  I would like to know why.  What am I afraid of?  My job is a pretty safe place.  It is challenging work and can be stressful, but so far I have shown that I am at least competent at it.  My boss is one of my oldest and closest friends.  He is like a brother to me.  He knows my struggle with mental health issues and is understanding and supportive.  But every week my mood starts to improve as the week moves closer to Friday and then crushing depression and anxiety move back in on Sunday and Monday.  What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of being judged.
I am afraid of being judged and being deemed unworthy. 
I am afraid of my life meaning nothing. 
I am afraid that people smile to my face and secretly loathe me and talk about me behind my back. 
I am afraid of growing old and being lonely, but I'm also afraid of letting people get too close.  People can hurt you worse than you thought possible.  
I dread the monotony of life.  Is this all there is?  Wake, shit, eat, work, eat, sleep, repeat.  Is that all there is to life?  Day after day for years - this is all there is?  It's mostly monotony punctuated by brief periods of joy or pleasure and longer periods of suffering. 
My writing comes across like a whiny, angsty, teenager.  That's another thing I'm afraid of - that I will share my deepest, most secret feelings and it will turn out that I am just a pathetic complainer. 

I am trying to do things to improve my life.  I'm back in counseling and I've started sharing my mental health struggles with a couple of understanding friends.  Another fear:  being that friend who no one wants to talk to any more because I am needy and I drain everyone around me of any good feelings.  

I wish I had died in my sleep.  I don't want to be here any more.  But I am here and I don't have the courage to kill myself, so here is how I am going to get through my day.  I am going to go make myself another cup of coffee.  Then I am going to get dressed and brush my teeth and hair.  I am going to go to work.  I have a list of the things I have to get done today.  I am going to take care of those items one by one as best as I can.  I will only deal with one item at a time.  I won't worry about the entire list - just one item at a time.  I am going to take a Xanax to help numb the feelings I feel because I can't tolerate them.  At the end of the day, I am going to come home, take a hot shower, and then crawl into bed.  That's the only thing I look forward to - getting back to my bed.  Maybe tonight will be the night I die in my sleep.  One can hope.